Halleluja in the twilight

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Godly Marriage

Thanks to you guys who responded to my first post! Since I already started talking about marriage advice, I'll use that for this blog....

Since Shannon asked, the kind of things I need advice on are the basics! What to expect during the first few monthes.... Any advice on being selfless??? I entirely understand the absolute importance of prayer, but I also think it beneficial to seek advice from people who have been there!

However, this has been weighing on my heart today:

Yesturday my mom approached me with an almost startling comment. "It seems as though Jaden dictates to you... Is he controlling? It just seems like you're always saying 'Jaden won't like this or that'. I just want the best for you"

My mom is not a Christian. As far as I'm concerned she is not someone I would go to for marital advice with her low regard for things such as SELFLESSNESS, prayer and most of all SUBMISSION in a marriage. She is somewhat of a feminist. And I know there are things Jaden doesn't do because I don't approve. My mom doesn't see his side of things. However, this comment had me on my knees alone in my room nonetheless.

I struggle with being selfless, at least I think I do. It's REALLY hard for me to determine the boundry between being selfless and being taken advantage of while letting my beloved drive EVERYWHERE we go (as is not only the standard, but the expectation of every male in his family) or being treated unfairly when, for the first time in our relationship he tells me a solid, concrete "No" when I ask to drive just this onnnnce!!! I was hurt, but I bit my tongue and waited a good 2 hours before telling him just how deeply that hurt me. He didn't understand. So, as is a big NO in any relationship I chose to hold the grudge because I didn't know how to make the hurt go away. This grudge has bugged me for 2 weeks, even though I've prayed about it. I told Jaden about it, almost in tears. I guess my mom's comment came at a time I was wondering myself if I was being taken advantage of a little. (I might add that it came at those special times we women go through when we struggle with a little depression and the feeling of losing control. A special time we NEED Christ more than ever!) It wasn't until the other night when he finally agreed to let me drive to breakfast every morning at Creation Fest that I've let it go. But I should have let it go right away. Jesus calls for us to rebuke out of LOVE, not out of selfishness.

I wasn't raised with parents who had a marriage or even behaviors that I can learn from. My parents separated when I was 11 after many years of bitterness between them. I didn't know what a good marriage looked like until I started going to church over a year ago. Long story short, I need advice from people who I CAN learn from on how to forgive. I also (desparatly) need advice on how to behave when I DO need to present a problem or hurt to Jaden.

I guess just lately I'm having a little trouble being TOTALLY accountable to someone (HA! This inhibition is the reason I turned to Jesus when I was 18 instead of when I was 15!). I'm having trouble having to submit, sometimes. As my awesome Pastor said one Wednesday night, marriage (or preperation thereof) reveals the very things in your life you need to work on for God's glory. You HAVE to be selfless, loving, forgiving, etc... Wifes are called to submit to their husbands just as the church submits to Christ.

I guess I just need a little guidance right now. I've been reading Ephesians 5 (CSN just SO happened to have a sermon on the submission in marriage passage yesturday at the height of my uneasiness). I know some of the people reading this have GREAT marriages and also great advice. I appreciate your support, my friends! God bless!


At 10:08 PM, Blogger Cora said...

Hey Heather!
Don't be discouraged. This just means that God is working in you already and preparing you for marriage. It's good to see your head start on submission, forgiveness and selflessness. I would love to chat with you about these things and the things I've learned since first married.
Also, I would like to add, that premarital counseling is a good thing if you are counseling with the right pastor. I know that Pastor Dave counsels right from Scripture and will guide you both in the right direction that God would have you go.
God bless you, Heather, and your fiance in this wonderful adventure God has put you on.

At 12:12 AM, Blogger Hethir said...

Thank you so much! Jaden and I are doing the pre-marital counceling with his pastor (Pastor Kelly from C.C. Lake Stevens). It would be awesome to talk sometime about the things you've learned!

At 8:50 AM, Blogger Cora said...

Hey Heather, e-mail me and we will set up a time. I would love it!

At 7:51 AM, Blogger Fran said...

Hethir, I have wanted to reply to this for days but there is just to much to say! I think it's awesome that you are thinking about all of this now. Jon very rarely let's me drive either. He has to be almost passing out with fatigue first. I think it's a manly thing. ;) After all these years though I just look at it like I have my own chauffer!

You'll find as you go along that both of you will have to compromise on many things. Keep God the center and everything else can be worked out. It won't be easy sometimes but it will be worth it.

As for the first year, it could be bumpy at times because you will be meshing two seperate lives into one. You will discover little habits that you never knew he had. But remember, he will be learning about you too. Give each other grace and remember you adore this man. Of course with prayer your lives could meld together without a hitch (but all couples have disagreements now and then. Marriage is THE place to learn about forgiveness!)

If you guys don't already pray together, start! If you have had an argument; pray together when you're ready. (Don't put this off! I sometimes have a hard time letting go of something even after he's asked forgiveness and praying on my own hasn't helped. But then I pray with him and somehow the Lord helps me release it.)

I personally think prayer is the glue that holds marriages together. I pray almost everyday that God would help us build a strong marriage, that He would strenthen our weak areas and help us to always hold fast to Him and honor each other. And that I would always choose to love Jon more than myself (and vice versa!)

Pray when times are hard, pray when times are good, pray pray pray! Have you noticed a theme with me?

Now that I've written a book I will quit lecturing you! Like Cora, if you ever want to talk just let me know. (Because I have a lot more to say!! Maybe I should have just posted a marriage post on my own blog?)

Since you guys are counseling at his church does that mean we will lose you when you get married? :(

At 8:52 AM, Blogger shannon said...

Fran has voiced my biggest worry -- we don't want to lose you, Heather!! :)

Too few people acknowledge that the first year or so can be tough, but I'll tell you straight out. Those were two of the toughest years of my life. I saw so much ugliness in myself, so many things I knew to be un-Christlike. But that's just God bringing the dross to the surface so He can remove it.

As to those times when we feel we are being controlled, I'll tell you what's helped me (but I have to add here that I have about the least controlling husband in the world. He only says no to the critical things). In those times when Dave feels one way and I feel another, I do voice my opinion, but I do so knowing that I have committed to honoring his position in our family. If (when) I need to back down and submit, I hand all those riled-up feelings over to Jesus as a gift. It almost becomes a secret exchange between the two of us. Only He knows why I held my opinion, and only He knows what it took to bundle it up and hand it over. Those moments become opportunities for us to lay a sacrifice on the altar.

And so that you know -- I rarely drive when the two of us are going somewhere together. If we're driving from here to Montana, I might drive a few hours of the trip. But like Fran, I just try to see that as my time to read a book or knit or take a nap.

You're not going through anything the rest of us haven't gone through before. And only another Christian woman will identify with what you're feeling. The rest of the world has a fit over discussions of this sort, but we know that scripture tells us that spiritual things are only understood by those who have God's Spirit living in them. So don't be persuaded by worldly thinking. To the world, all is self. To us, all is Christ.

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At 9:25 AM, Blogger Eddie said...


At 7:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Subject: Musings

The evening sun dropping below the tree line and shadows disappearing with the sun, give way to twilight. That is the signal to pull down the blinds, free the curtains from their stays and lock up the house for the night. Shutting out the world and settling in for another round of memories and loneliness.

The hardest part of living however, is the brightness of each day, dimmed by being alone. No longer an important entity of someone's life. With the passing of your mate, you find it also takes away your friends.

There should be a school, a place of learning to teach us how to BE a widow..... How to again find that independent nature we once knew, until we took that long walk down the isle giving our self and will over to another, to share his life and do his bidding. Somewhere, some way, we must find how to be a whole person again this side of widowhood. A whole person, though half our being is ripped away. We must learn how to exist as a fifth wheel, an uneven number, an extra, causing imbalance to a gathering. Somewhere........ a place to learn again, to just be me.

If you find it let me know
Norma Helton.... Heather this is after 471/2 years married to a beautiful soul, he too was my best friend. Now my problem is finding life again. With God as your guide
you don't have to fear letting him be "head of the house" Actually, you'll find it's teamwork, making a life. When he loves you as Christ loves the church, it is subservient.

At 2:15 AM, Blogger Katie_F said...

What the heck is that Dukes of Hazzard thing about? Are you going to be the next Daisy? lol...at least you are better now Heffalump!

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Nancy said...


It used to drive me crazy that my ex-husband insisted on driving everywhere, now that I have been divorced for 5 years and have had to drive myself... I miss having a driver. He is just being a gentleman, back in the day, men did the driving, the door opening and the bug killing.

You are right, there are a lot of wonderful marriages in our church to look to, take the time to talk to Cora, Fran and Shannon.

Just the fact that you acknowledge selflessnes and want to conscientiously not be selfish is a major step.

Like Fran said pray, pray, pray and keep looking up.

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