Lesson for this month? When God wants your attention, He knows just the way to get it ;)
So I want to start by honoring those who have prayed for mine and Jaden's relationship and for the feelings of EXTREME uneasiness I've been feeling. You have been in my prayers and I am indeed very, very blessed to be surrounded with people who are so very gracious with their time, advice and prayers. Thank you and my God bless you beyond your wildest expectations. I love you!
As I was saying before, well, three weeks ago, this whole thing started with feelings of being taken advantage of and maybe even over extending myself in my relationship. As I recall, I STARTED out by asking for advice on being selfless before I pleaded for advice on "Hold on, WHAT IF JADEN AND I AREN'T IN GOD'S WILL?!" It all started when my mama made a comment cut deeper (read Godly Marriage?) than I thought it should have and left gaping holes in my heart long after I thought I prayed them out. It started that way, but those blessed, ugly feelings had a way of manifesting into something I NEVER saw coming. They warped into what seemed a HUGE mess that literally overtook my normal life and left me with nothing, NOTHING to cling to but our Sweet Savior. Those feelings left me clinging to Jesus and His promise to NEVER forsake us and to ALWAYS work in the good of those who love Him. I've reached out to people I've never truly opened up to before, I prayed prayers I've never prayed before, I've learned what it is to hand God our burdens (even if it takes handing them to Him 50,000 times) and I've stretched my arms higher to grab hold of God. I've had established before me for the first time in my walk the promise fulfilled that Jesus will carry us through our deepest pain and I've found that Jaden has been walking right next to me!
"Now, why do you think God chose to make THIS particular arguement about Jaden not letting you drive stick with you?" Pastor Kelley mused despite my insisting that even though my pain started with me feeling a bit controlled, it's now something deeper, something more life or death for mine and Jaden's engagment. All I wanted was "yes" or "no" and a "here's how" answer but all Kelley wanted to know was "how often do you talk on the phone?" and "does Jaden ever get mad at you when you don't answer when he calls?" After some poking and proding, I was able to take in the fact that yes! I felt very controlled at the time I started being depressed! And yes! It did have something to do with undealt with issues from childhood! Something within me must have realized it from the beginning because my mom's question was startlingly convicting. Throw that in with the fact that Jaden got a little upset when I left my phone in the car an hour after my mom's comment, his anger that very night during the hot tub incident (those i have been talking to personally will understand this) and the fact that I had been neglecting my relationship with God a lot lately and BAM! You've got the recipe for disaster!
Now let me just add that this is not all Jaden's fault! I am one of those people who has a boundries problem. I sometimes can't say "no" when I mean no and I avoid sticky situations. AT ALL COSTS!!! If Jaden wants to hang out at his house, and I want to hang out at mine, I will give in almost instantly. Oh, sure, there are times when I'll say,"Ummm.... I dunno... Uhhh, sometimes I wish we hung out at my house... I dunno...." but I quickly let that go when I see any sort pain in his eyes. Dumb idea. This is sort of a "baggage" issue I have in all aspects of my life. But for the first time it's a matter of losing someone I love if I don't seek healing of this.
As far as the phone goes, it's a matter of what's normal in our relationship. If Jaden and I talk exactly 4 times a day every day for 2 monthes, and I answer my ringing phone perfectly for 2 weeks, the day I DON'T answer will inevidably lead Jaden to worry and thus be a little mad because it's never happened before, get it?
The doctors orders? We are cutting back our talking time to ONE time a day. If I don't answer, Jaden will just have to trust in God that I am OK, which will lead him to depend on Jesus more. Jaden comes from a male dominating (read: controlling) family and I come from a family that avoids dealing with painful feelings. So it seems a lot of prayer is in order! I pray God will help us strike a perfect balance of selflessness vs. honesty in emotions. I could use advice on this, too! I'm still praying about our marriage, if that is in God's will for us now. My soul still isn't at peace. It could just be that even though I found out the root of my pain I can't expect an overnight recovery. We'll see. I'm still God's girl and I will do whatever it takes to be in His will. I pray I will start thinking of Jaden with my heart again and less with my brain. I pray I will be able to feel madly in love with him again without the burden of guilt. Please keep us in your prayers and be sure to let me know if there is any prayers that you may need!
Lord, I pray you just help me to be lead by Your spirit and Your will. Make clear Your path for me and I pray you deal with the things that are just beyond me. Thank you for being such a good father and loving Savior! I love you, Lord!